This week has been very emotional for me. I have struggled this week with abstinence, and hormonal issues. I have been having night sweats, getting up in the middle of the night for the last 2 nights and binging, then going to sleep on the couch depressed because those chips and cheese were just not worth it. I kept my poor husband up late the other night crying and venting about how I have no idea how I got here. I have no idea where this all went wrong. I feel like I have been kidnapped and dropped off in the middle of no where and told to find my way back. Back to normalcy and sanity.
For some divine reason I feel a calm, a light, and a peace with the long journey that lies ahead of me, and I am definitely up for the challenge. Thank you God!
I have been day dreaming about hiking, and would even like to run a 5K. Kyle even mentioned that we should do one together. I am thinking maybe in the Fall we will be ready to possibly run one.
I said this week that I was going to weigh in every Monday morning. The scale and I have been enemies for a long time. I have been discouraged the last two weeks, that this was all not worth it because every time the scale and I had a meeting it said the same ole thing...235lbs! I was feeling particularly guilty this morning about my 1 am binge last night, so as I was getting in the shower this morning I pulled the scale out and slowly stepped onto it...230lbs! I jumped off, made sure it was 0ed out and stepped on again...YAY! I have lost 5 lbs this week! Wow, it felt so good, and it was just the attitude adjustment I needed!
Friday, March 25, 2011
Breakthrough...not Breakdown!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Weight and Measurements
It is time to get serious about weight loss. I wanted to post my starting weight and measurements so I can more easily track my progress.
Starting weight:235 lbs
Measurements:
Bust: 51 inches
Waist: 49 inches
Hips: 54 inches
Biceps: 17 inches
Thighs: 19 inches
Calves: 17 inches
Starting BMI: 37.9
Goals:
Goal Weight: 150
Goal BMI: 24.2
Total weight loss: 85 lbs. by Tuesday, November 15, 2011.
Breakthrough!
Yesterday was a pretty rough day for me. I was extremely down on myself, and it seemed as though I had lost all control. Kyle and I of course ended the day with an argument and cry fest on my part. However, I feel it was productive since I got some things off my chest, and things that Kyle and I have needed to discuss but have been avoiding were resolved.
For some strange reason yesterday I hardly thought about food at all. In fact, I hardly ate near what I have been. I am not sure if it is anxiety or divine intervention. I would like to believe the latter. Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” I believe that God alone will give me the tools I need to overcome this addiction.
Today I feel tired, but hopeful! I have not been thinking about food obsessively today, THANKS BE TO GOD! I have not binged today, still trying to find that fine line between eating and binging. For example is continuing to eat a normal size portion even after I feel full binging? I guess it is all relative to the way it makes me feel. Whether or not I feel it is wrong in my heart.
Excited today, feeling hopeful and grateful!
Friday, March 11, 2011
I AM POWERLESS!!!!
I took my first blind step up the stairs yesterday, admitting I have a problem to the world and joined an OA group. I am not sure if I was in denial or did not realize how much this disease consumed me. Almost everything I do is consumed and motivated by food. I realized I have to get my mind right before I can attempt to lose weight. I have opened up to Kyle and told him some of my darkest secrets. Like how using pot gives me an excuse to binge in front of him. He has been amazingly supportive. He even suggested last night that as a family we start walking in the evenings. I know he did not realize how bad it really was. He had an idea he said because I would get up in the middle of the night and eat.
I have decided to keep track of my caloric intake. Not only will that help me lose weight, but it will help me see if and when I am binge eating and be accountable for it. I am allowing myself 1400 calories per day give or take a few 100. Nothing strenuous or constraining...just accountability for my recovery. I did not binge yesterday! I took in 1,165 calories and did not feel hungry. I will be incorporating more snacks into my diet. I will be eating every 2 hours to help overcome cravings, and keep me feeling full. I woke up this morning hungry but not starving. I have a great mental attitude this morning! Thanks be to God!
Friday, January 14, 2011
The Love Dare
Day 2 "Love is Kind, and I can be too."
"In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse AGAIN today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness." (The Love Dare, 2008)
What discoveries about love did you make today? What specifically did you do in this dare? How did you show kindness?
So far today has been a very good day. Love is in the air! Last night we watched Eclipse, I am guessing that was an act of kindness from Kyle since I know he would rather watch anything else. He also let me take a 2 hour nap! WOO HOO!!!!! So this morning I got up made us breakfast, and made his coffee. I channeled the TV to CNN Headline News which he is required to watch for school, and not the usual Investigation Discovery which I love.
The discoveries I made about Love today is that if I am kind and patient with Kyle our house is more kind and patient. He shows an over abundance of kindness and patience with me, something I think I have come to expect and no appreciate. Since my lack of kindness and patience has been brought to my attention the last couple of days I have a new found appreciation for the amount of love, kindness, and patience that is allotted to me. I feel today is going to be a good day. I am going to take the children to the let it snow party tonight at church, another act of kindness...Kyle didn't want to take them. Then when I get home I will probably play Rock Band which we both enjoy doing together!
The next 38 days are looking brighter and brighter!
Kendrick,S & Kendrick,A (2008). The Love Dare. Nashville, TN. B&H Publishing
Thursday, January 13, 2011
The Love Dare
Day 1 "Love is Patient, and I am not."
"The first part of the dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It's better to hold your tongue than to say something you will regret." (The Love Dare, 2008)
Did anything happen today to cause anger toward your mate? Were you tempted to think disapproving thoughts and let them come out in words?
This day by far was the hardest for me to accomplish, I hope it is not an indication of what is to come. I have come to realize in 10 years of marriage that I can be very demeaning and judgmental. Sometimes I don't like living with me, I can not imagine what Kyle feels like sometimes. He is a very easy going person so he makes it very easy to be nice to him. I was tempted to say negative things to him, to point out what I thought were shortcomings. We don't argue very often, so that was not really a factor. One thing I really need to work on is being more patient with everyone, myself included. I also need to learn to relax. If things do not get done my way, at least they are getting done. I need to focus more on my words, and how others perceive them.
Kendrick,S & Kendrick,A (2008). The Love Dare. Nashville, TN. B&H Publishing
